not in our stars, but in ourselves
Ah, yes. Another year.
I hope you all had a nice New Year’s Eve. Mine was full of German food (my housemates like to do themed feasts), all different kinds of wine, a sad little nap to ensure I was awake at midnight (getting old is no joke, guys), and criticizing the production values/”musical” acts on Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve or whatever the hell it’s called. In other words: nothing special. A vast improvement on last year, which saw me alone and sobbing and drinking and regretting. This time, I was neither alone nor sobbing. Getting better all the time.
Today I was happily hangover-free, so I nibbled on leftovers and helped to make a baked apple pancake and went to the gym – battling it out with the resolutioners. For the most part, they stayed out of my way, but I am sure the rest of the first 10 days of January will include plenty more clueless gymgoers before they throw in the towel.
As you may be able to tell, I am pretty disdainful of the concept of New Year’s resolutions. I go to the gym regularly. I eat mostly right. I have learned enough about how my body works to know that it is quite happy in its current state, and there is no point in trying to force it to be less. So there go the usual crop of resolutions.
But 2013 has been pretty awful, all 365 days of it, and I could stand to do a lot of healing and – dare I say – improving. I would like to be able to watch movies again. I would like to read more. (Recently, I found a $9 copy of The Genius of the System, and I’m flying through it. Off to a good start, at least. And as I read, I will try to remember to share my malformed little thoughts with you, O Reader.) I would like to get a job that falls more in line with my (admittedly idiosyncratic) education. In short, I would like to find ways to do things that help me to feel like I’m living, rather than just existing. Those are the basics. It would also be nice to find the wherewithal to finish my sadly neglected 250 film challenge. It would be nice to get better at something, like running or cooking or both – why the hell not. It would be nice to go on a real vacation.
And what the hell, let’s be unrealistic: it would be nice to go back to Australia. To live, to die, to everything. Words to that effect.
Obviously, I would be much happier if I could figure out a way to be content where I am, and to accept that the past has passed, and to embrace the present and work on building a better future. An overarching theme of 2014 will, I hope, be a marked improvement in my overall mental health. It was a traumatic 2013. I have fallen into a lot of melancholic traps. I should try to extricate myself from those traps. It is difficult, however, to accept that I have to disregard two years of my life – two years of building and planning for the kind of future I wanted and felt I deserved – and find some way to muddle through however many years and decades here in cold, grey, disintegrating America.
Well. Anyway. If any Australians are reading this and want to arrange a job and/or a somewhat stable visa situation for me, hit me up.
I will try not to fixate on impossibilities. That’s been a tendency of mine for years and years, and it could very well keep destroying me.
Or maybe it could work. Stay tuned.
P.S. I’ve been watching The Walking Dead marathon on AMC, and Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus. This is pretty intense stuff. I guess I can thank my lucky stars that I don’t live in a post-apocalyptic zombie nightmare. Small victories, you know?