more stars than in the heavens

not in our stars, but in ourselves

Stupid answers to stupid questions

If you know what’s good for you, then you know The Hairpin.  Basically, it’s a “women’s” website, but it’s actually consistently funny (and enlightening!) – oh, yeah, and staunchly feminist.  You should check it out regularly,  and know it and love it and so on.

As you may have noticed, I enjoy talking about myself.  I mean, it’s why I have a blog.  Obviously.  Imagine my delight when I saw Durga Chew-Bose’s “Addendum to the Proust Questionnaire“: the original and the best invitation to talk about oneself at length, updated for the 21st century!  You’re all agog, I’m sure, so here goes:

The three tabs I always keep open on my browser
Gmail, Facebook, Youtube (for listening to music at work, dontcha know.  Now playing.)

The Drake lyric that most captures my very being
Confession time: I don’t know many Drake songs.  But I enjoy his description (in his verse on Nicki Minaj’s “Only“) of the kind of woman he’s attracted to: “So thick that everybody else in the room is so uncomfortable.” Me too, Drake.  Me too.

nicki-minaj-drake

The song I play on repeat when meeting a deadline
The Mad Max: Fury Road soundtrack has redefined my relationship with doing things at breakneck speed.  However, “Like a Dog Chasing Cars” (from The Dark Knight) is the most-played song in my music library for a reason: it’s accompanied me through many a frenzied rush to the finish line.

The song I play on repeat when I’m getting ready to go out but ultimately end up staying in

The song I listen to when conceiving that scenario; the one where I run into my ex
I have the dress for it and everything.

The people whose phone numbers I have committed to memory
My parents.  And only their house number, not either of their cell phones.  That’s literally it.  What a shit millennial I am.

The series finale I watch when I want to whip up feelings of nostalgia for no particular reason
Do people actually do this?  Cripes.

My go-to deli sandwich order
I don’t go to delis.  If I did, it would be something with turkey, probably, Swiss cheese and avocado and tomato.  Om nom nom.

The last thing a man explained to me
That I should coordinate with a co-worker, because he assumed that the complete communication breakdown between the two of us was due to my failure to reach out, rather than to her laziness or his fucking disconnection from reality.

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A celebrity’s abs I could identify sans face
Abs are so 2000s.  I’m an ass (wo)man, personally.

The last celebrity death that really shook me
I’m still sad that Freddie Mercury is dead 😦

The encouraging proverb-like phrase I say to myself before walking out the door and attending an anxiety-inducing party
“Fierce is as fierce does.”

A movie that everyone loves and that I just don’t get
American Beauty.  And it’s not that I don’t “get” it, it’s that I don’t give a shit about a mopey white man’s imagined problems.

The quality I appreciate most in the last person I was quick to judge
Diligence.

My least favorite color to wear that everyone insists I should wear more
Red.  It makes me look splotchy, but I’ve been told it makes me look good.  Pshaw.

What I imagine my best friend is doing right now
Planning her fucking wedding!!!!  Or, y’know, playing with her dog.

Fashion Photography by Edward Steichen in the 1920s and 1930s (4)

An item of clothing I love but is least flattering for my body type
All sorts of fabulous late ’20s/early ’30s gowns.  Sigh.

The lede in a fictional profile written about me
The manners of an empress and the mouth of a sailor on shore leave.

My phone’s ratio of selfies to non-selfies
Maybe 30-70?  I do take selfies from time to time, but I usually just take pictures of the dog.

My last selfie
Czech it out:

young urban professional

A post shared by amelia (@moonshinemaude) on

My last screenshot
Wondering how the hell I get on these mailing lists:

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The celebrity I don’t follow on Instagram but whose account I search regularly
Coco, a.k.a. Mrs. Ice T.  She and her ridiculous body fill me with immense joy, but it’s almost too much.

The celebrity whose Wiki page’s Personal Life section I’ve committed to memory
Do serial killers count as celebrities?  Umm….

The last recurring mass email I unsubscribed from
I just mark them all as spam, because I think it’s more disrespectful and they deserve it.  Lotta LinkedIn in my spam folder.  Lots and lots and lots of it.

My favorite turn of phrase to describe pure mirth
“If I were a bell, I’d be ringing.”

My favorite collective noun
Does “clusterfuck” count?

My favorite drunk 3 a.m. snack
Pizza.  Specifically: room-temperature Domino’s.  Mmmmmmm.  S.O.S., as my grandfather used to say. (That’s “shit on a shingle,” for you uninitiated out there.)

My second favorite Michael Jackson song
Hard to choose, but probably this:

A treasured possession that I recently gave to someone I love
I treasure very few possessions.  I’ve been a hobo for too long to get attached to many things.  The most recent thing I gave to someone I love was a collection of Nabokov novels (a gift from a friend) – but the recipient of the volume will, in a few months, be my roommate.  So, y’know, I’ll get it back.

A word I overuse when feigning interest
“Right, riiiight….”

The quality that I desire most in a fast new friend
Understanding and a great sense of humor.

The quality that I desire most in a hot regular
Sculpted legs and a nice, muscular ass.

The quality that I desire most in my weed dealer
I guess if I ever smoked weed, I would just want someone who sold good stuff for cheap and didn’t talk too much.

The quality that I desire most in the stranger sitting next to me at a wedding where I know no one
Steely reserve.

The sentence I would use to characterize my resting face
“Do not touch.”

The last book I read whose cover I judged but whose content I loved
Um, I judged Death in the City of Light to be awesome and I was 100% right.

An item of clothing I never returned to a friend
I can’t remember.  My ex gave me a t-shirt that he didn’t want anymore, specifically because we broke up, but I don’t recall if I’ve ever “borrowed” something and not given it back.

My least favorite party theme
Tropical anything.

What I regard as the lowest depth of Twitter bio
Anything mentioning God (or whomever).  Also, non-famous people with “verified” accounts.  Like, who the fuck do you think cares?

The most recent fear I’ve confronted
It’s hard to articulate, but I’m not afraid of my past anymore.  I used to think it was the only thing that would ever matter, and that it would consume me, but it’s not the case at all.  Present and future are where it’s at.

My favorite Rihanna look from 2005-2008
Slay.

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My favorite Rihanna look from 2008-2012
Slay!

rihanna-ireland-51-500x783

My favorite Rihanna look from 2013
SLAYYYYYY

rihanna-2013

My favorite Rihanna look from 2014
Slay slay slay slay SLAY!

the-rihanna-outfit-everyone-is-talking-about-cfda-awards-best-dressed-1

My favorite Rihanna look from 2015
Dead from the slayage.  Officially.

rihanna-met-gala

Something I am currently anticipating with a level of excitement singular to childhood delight
Well, I’ve already seen Mad Max, so I guess I’d have to say seeing my fella again in a few days.

My state of mind in a few hours will hopefully be
Sleeping and dreaming of god-knows-what.

The last compliment I received
My friend asked me to be her maid of honor, so that’s a pretty huge fucking compliment.

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2 comments on “Stupid answers to stupid questions

  1. Samantha
    June 6, 2015

    This is awesome! Could I borrow the questions for my blog if I give credit to you and Hairpin?

    • mcwhirk
      June 6, 2015

      Oh, of course! No need to credit me, but go on ahead and answer them all yourself!

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